"Choose your hard" is a phrase often tossed around in the weight loss world. It's hard to be over weight, it's hard to lose weight and it's hard to maintain goal weight. Choose your hard.
I also find it applies to cancer as well. Of course there are not as many choices involved......But there are, to me, three similar and difficult stages in the cancer world.
First Hard-finding out you have cancer and surgery (if that's an option)-you enter this mysterious world of the unknown, have all kinds of tests you never knew existed and learn a completely new language to speak which is related to your cancer. Hours are spent on research, crying, contacting people, stressing out, and laying awake at night wondering if you are going to die (Yes, you are going to die-eventually-but not right this second!). Then there's surgery, post op care and recovery-all part of the first step to me. It is when you realize life has permanently changed for you. Then you get slammed with the Second Step.....
Second Hard-treatment. Do I do it? What's out there? How well does it work? What are the side effects? Everyone and their brother are professed experts on cancer treatment and send you all of these ridiculous cures and foods and recipes and books about therapies no one in mainstream has heard about but are guaranteed to work. Once you decide on a treatment, it sucks up a huge amount of time-treatment days, dozens of vials for blood work, doctor appointments and a lot of waiting around. There are really crappy days when you can barely function. There are days when you feel great. You spend a lot of time trying to decide if something is a side effect or just part of your life you never analyzed in extensive detail before in your pre cancer life. And, if you're like me, you get a side effect that almost kills you and that is hard. More pills, more appointments, more tests, more blood work (I'm amazed I still have blood after this!!).
Third Hard-Treatment's done! People want to believe you are cured.....and you have to gently break them of this thought knowing they want to still believe it in case cancer happens to them. People expect you to carry on your merry way and do everything you used to do before cancer. They encourage you to be positive and happy and live again! They downplay your concerns about it coming back. You don't know what to do with yourself because no longer are you hoofing it to the Cancer Institute 4 days a week. (yes, there were weeks I was there every day for hours after work). They forget that your side effect is PERMANENT and WILL NEVER GET BETTER. I can't make the broken things work again in my body so it's meds for life. You still get anxiety before scans and worry that you may not be ready to be cut loose by some doctors, increase the interval of appointments for others, and have scan time moved from every 3 months to every 6. Bells and whistles and sirens go off because you are afraid you aren't ready yet for this change in schedule.
The tough part about Third Hard is no one tells you about this part. You hear about the initial cancer and the treatment but miss the rest. People are tired of it and want to move on and want you to move on, too. But it's stuck to me. The pills I take every damn day are a reminder of the mess treatment made of my endocrine system.
I was actually thinking today that my job seems, well, easier for lack of a better term. Then I realized I wasn't so absorbed by cancer and First and Second Hard any more. I have time. I am healthy. I did all of the hard work getting a new course off the ground while in the middle of my own body crashing twice. I should now enjoy that the course has the legwork done and now I am doing what I do for all of my classes-finessing, adding, changing, modifying, improving. The basics are done and now is the time to enjoy that part. I am able to get papers graded faster because my body is not trying to shut down or demand sleep. Meds seem to be in balance and life is going along as well as I can expect.
There are still things that I don't do and I've said no to some good offers to get involved more in Relay for Life and other activities. I have to pace myself. It is hard (there's that word again!!) but must be done since being in the hospital when my body crashes is hard. I need to accept limitations. If you don't have health issues holding you back, enjoy everything you can cram into your life. I don't have that luxury. I'm coming to terms with that and learning the things that trigger anxiety and unease-two things that are side effects of my meds. It's a step by step, event by event process. Third Hard is permanent.....but hopefully won't be so hard forever!
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